Yes, I went to a small private high school and a small private university.
Yes, I worked my ass off to make straight As and graduated summa cum laude.
Yes, I was a successful web developer in the Bay Area.
Yes, I was dedicated to my work and I was very good at it.
And yes, my talent was appreciated by both my mentors and peers, and everyone agreed that I had a bright future in Silicon Valley.
But no, I wasn't happy.
I had done everything right and had reached the end of a long and difficult road. I was finally making enough to pay back my student loans and save money while living comfortably and sharing expenses with my live-in boyfriend. Here was supposed to be my reward for the years of stress and work, of living a type-A lifestyle while feeling internally like a type-B personality. When all is said and done, the only explanation that feels true is that I got tired.
Yes, I became severely depressed.
Yes, I left my job and didn't seriously pursue another.
Yes, I allowed myself to become entirely dependent on a man to support me financially.
Yes, I isolated myself from my friends and family.
And yes, I went crazy.
Yes, I had a psychotic break.
Yes, I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward.
Yes, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I was prescribed medication after medication, trying different dosages and combinations to find the right cocktail that would work for me. I was starting to feel better for just a few weeks before my mood took a nosedive. I spent months lying on the couch watching Netflix, with daily bouts of crying. I was deeply depressed and questioning everything about my life, my self, my world. I could see no way out of this misery. I felt as though all the best and most exciting moments of my life were over, and now I was a different person, a broken person of no real value to the world. I did not attempt suicide, but I contemplated it more than I ever had before.
Somehow I made it though the worst part. Slowly things started getting better. And when I say slowly I mean sloooooowly.
Now I've hit a wall because I don't know how to step back out into the world, especially here in the Bay Area. I don't know how to face people, strangers and friends alike. I feel like I would have to explain myself, defend myself against their judgment. Here it seems that everyone I know is starting their own business, or working on a bunch of side projects, going to conventions and constantly networking. And here I am: unemployed for almost two years with no end in sight, barely leaving the house and doing nothing of value with my time. How dare I? What is wrong with me?
I ask myself these things all the time. I have come up with some answers but so far I have been afraid to express them. There are realities about who I am that I have a hard time accepting. How can I expect others to accept me when I judge myself so harshly?
Yes, I am unemployed.
No, I am not planning to get a job anytime soon, and I'm not sure if I will ever work a full-time job again.
Yes, I have a real disability that affects my ability to work.
No, it is not because I'm lazy.
Yes, I am a homemaker.
No, I don't want kids, at least not in the foreseeable future.
Yes, I am financially supported by my loving boyfriend.
No, I am not taking advantage of him.
Someday I hope to be able to declare these facts, and to truly believe them without shame. I hope to be comfortable with my place in life, and confident about who I am as my circumstances change. I hope that I will not feel the need to hide.
Very powerful post Carmel. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI definitely can relate to a lot of what you said. While I know that there is nothing I can say to help you but I sincerely hope that you find a way to help you feel fulfilled with your life. You have worked hard and you do deserve that. I often feel a more shallow version of these same emotions. I also commend you for not having the instinct to have children to "fill the void" like so many people seem do do when feeling down in life.
In terms of suicide, I dont think there is anything wrong with thinking about it. When I get depressed I do. I never consider it a real option but the thought does pop in from time to time.
Anyway, keep being open and honest about everything, there is nothing to be ashamed of in having real emotions and working to deal with them better. If anyone judges you negatively for them then they have their own issues that they need to be working on and you should distance yourself.
-John